dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
