why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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