I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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