She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
