apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
