We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
