...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
