They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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