I can't watch pbs sober anymore
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
