Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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