I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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