I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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