Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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