i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
