If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
