mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
