you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
