I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
