I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
pray to the hookup gods
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
