she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
