Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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