you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
