if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
