alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
