I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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