Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
