i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
