i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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