there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
