i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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