hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
