the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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