someone threw a dead crab at me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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