hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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