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So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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