If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
