Tell her she can't have a vagina
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
