I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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