You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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