I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
