Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
