why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
