Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
