im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
