Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
