I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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