hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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