That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
