I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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