??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
